I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
