I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Someone shit on the floor
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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