I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
