Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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