what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Randomize
