I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
