Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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