What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
