Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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