I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
