I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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