That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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