Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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