So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Congratulations! We have a period
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