If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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