So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Randomize
