I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
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