I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
