Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
