you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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