good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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