i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
