Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
