what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
