Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
