I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
