Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
