I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
