I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
