im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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