You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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