why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
