Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
