She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
