i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
