A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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