Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
