Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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