just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
