We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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