i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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