If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
