fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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