Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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