Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
