Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
