i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
