Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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