Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
