I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
