its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
