there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
